Sellswords and Spellslingers - the Movie

[Last Hussar]

I've posted bits elsewhere, but some of this is new, and the rest I've got the Ranger's correct name...

[Last Hussar]

SCENE: MEDIEVAL/FANTASY TAVERN. IT IS DARK AND SMOKEY. THERE IS A GENERAL HUB-BUB. NIGHT.
The camera moves through the crowd and comes to rest on three adventures. Brother Christos is a warrior monk dressed in holy robes, though a large mace nearby is obviously his, Bravely Bold Sir Robin is a knight in surcoat, and Sintamo, a forest ranger/guide, dressed in greens and earth tones, and tending a bow-case.
Empty plates and half empty ale mugs are in front of them. We join in mid conversation.

Sintamo
All I'm saying is we are a bit weighted towards the bashy stuff, and not so much to the looking after ourselves and fighting magic bit.

Robin
Good honest martial skill is the sign of a true warrior, and shall never be bested.

Sintamo
You mean like the troll that threw boulders at you till you ran away?

Robin
'Twas an underhand tactic – I could not close with him.

Sintamo (sighing)
I'm not saying we shouldn't have run away, that is rather my point. I am the only bowman, and we have no magic or healing.

Christos
Magic is naught compared to the power of the Gods.

Sintamo
That's as maybe, but the buggers are never around when WE need them are they?

Christos
And skilful doctoring is a speciality of my Church.

Sintamo
But not that useful when it is either you who needs the healing all the time, or you are charging off on your own, and up to your waist in goblins. And that is another thing- we'd do so much better if we stuck close to each other.

Christos
I will show no cowardice – I shall speed to embrace combat with the abominations. It is a sign of faith.

Sintamo
We were supposed to be defending the farm house!

Christos
Attack is the best form...

He trails off as Sintamo raises his finger to say 'Stop'.

Sintamo (sighing)
I'm off to get more beers.  Look after my... on second thoughts, I'd better take it with me, in case one of you two sit on it.

He picks up his bow, and moves towards the bar.

The camera moves through the crowd again, until it comes on another party of adventurers.  The staging is the same, except it is a mirror image of the first party. They are Eduardo, a wizard in grey robes with a staff, Gunnar, a dwarf with a huge axe, and Eldarondo, an elf, who also has a bow in a case. Empty plates and half empty ale mugs are in front of them. We join in mid conversation.

Eldarondo
All I am saying is we are a bit weighted towards the ranged side of things, and could do with a couple of beefy warriors to act as a meat shie...

Gunnar gives him a hard stare, and Eldarondo quickly and diplomatically changes the description.

Eldarondo
...Close up fighters.

Gunnar
Are ye sayin' I ain't good enough for ye?

Eldarondo
Its just we're a bit short..

Gunnar grips his axe pointedly.

Elderado
(gulps) ah, are a bit understrength in the up close and personal department.

Eduardo
The Arcane Arts are the ultimate power, mere flesh is no match.

Eldarondo
That's as maybe, but let's face it, how many time have we had a shower of interesting sparks instead of a fire arrow?

Eduardo
(hurt) I am not to blame for fluctuations in the mana!

Eldarondo
I'm not saying it is your fault.

Gunnar
Ach, just man up and tell him he's a numpty.

Eduardo and Eldarondo both glare at Gunnar.

Eldarondo
...not your fault, but for those times when the mana in a location is, um, difficult, wouldn't it be an idea to have a fighter or two, may be even a holy warrior, along for backup?

Eduardo
Ha! A sell-sword? Some over muscled barbarian?

Gunnar
As opposed to some spell-slinger? An over pampered academic?

Eldarondo
Will you two stop bickering! You recruited me, you are supposed to be friends.  Oh forget it. I'm getting more ale, look after my... on second thoughts, I'd better take it with me, in case one of you two sit on it.

He picks up his bow, and moves towards the bar.

The camera follows Eldarondo as he makes his way through the tavern to the bar.  He ends up standing next to Sintamo. They both lean on the bar, waiting for the bar maid to acknowledge them. They both glance at one another, as you do when next to someone at a busy bar.  Eldarondo looks at Sintamo's bow.

Eldarondo
Nice bow.

Sintamo
Thanks.

Eldarondo
What is it – sixty pound pull?

Sintamo (with air of superiority)
Ninety, actually.

Eldarondo (sniffily)
Well, I suppose power can make up for some lack of finesse.

Sintamo glares at him.  The barmaid walks past, both fail to attract her attention, and she serves another person.

Sintamo
So, what brings an elf into a town's tavern?

Eldarondo
Me and my fre... companions are going to cross the Hundreds gap.  Last ale here before setting out tomorrow.

Sintamo
Robber Pass?

Eldarondo (bad acting, as he knows it is called that, and its reputation)
Robber Pass? I've never heard it called that.  Of course, we go back and forth all the time, never get any trouble.

Sintamo
So you aren't hiring any guards then?

Eldarondo
No, no, why would we do that? We have a powerful wizard with us, of the Ignatium school.

Sintamo looks at Eldarondo with an expression that says 'do you know what you have got yourself in for?' Eldarondo studiously ignores him, and concentrates on trying to attract staff attention.

Sintamo
I know what you mean.  People say to me "are you not scared, do you not want a wizard or healer with you", and I just laugh, and say "why? I have these two doughty fellows in my purse."

Eldarondo looks over Sintamo's shoulder at Christos and Robin, who are bickering.

Eldarondo (disbelieving)
So they are your hirelings?

Sintamo (unsure)
Why, yes. Of course, if there was a passing party to sell their swords to for a journey, I'm sure I could be persuaded to discuss a fee.

Eldarondo (seeing the lie)
Mmm-Hmm. Likewise, if we were to find some non-Arcane travellers, we would only be too happy to escort them under our protection.

CUT TO
Back at Sintamo's table. Sintamo puts three full tankards on the table and sits down.

Sintamo
Good news lads, I think I've found a group stupid enough to cover us through Robber Pass.

CUT TO
Back at Eldarondo's table. Eldarondo puts three full tankards on the table and sits down.

Eldarondo
Good news lads, I think I've found a group stupid enough to cover us through Robber Pass.

[Last Hussar]

And for those who didn't see it...


SCENE: FOREST CLEARING IN A STORM AT NIGHT. MOST OF THE TIME ALL THAT CAN BE SEEN IS THE SILLOUETTE OF THE TREES AGAINST THE NIGHT SKY. OCCASSIONALLY A FLASH OF LIGHTNING WILL ILLUMINATE THE SCENE, SHOWING THE PARTY GATHERED AROUND, WITH SINTAMO TRYING TO LIGHT A FIRE. NIGHT TIME.

Sintamo (voice in darkness)
Bugger... Bugger... Bugger...

There is a brief spark that dies instantly

Sintamo
Bugger.

Brother Christos
Aren't you supposed to be a Ranger? I thought you were supposed to know how to light fires.

Sintamo
Bugger off you mad god-botherer.

Lightning flashes, revealing the party hunched in the rain, Sintamo trying to light the fire with flint and steel.

Sintamo
It's not my fault. Everything is wet. The wood is wet, the tinder is wet

Gunnar
I'm wet.

Sintamo
Yes. We're all bleeding wet. No one can light a fire in this weather.

Eduardo
I can.

Robin
STOP HIM!

Eduardo
FIAT L- erch

Lightning flashes irregularly, showing the party wrestling Eduardo to the ground in a series of vignettes.

Eduardo
Geroff. Do you want this fire lit or what?

Gunnar
Two words. Pig. Roast.

Eduardo
It was cooked, wasn't it?

Christos
It was charcoal on the outside, and still oinking in the middle.

[paulr]

 

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

 

[Last Hussar]

SCENE. WOOD. SINTAMO AND ELDARONDO ARE PREPARING TO SHOOT AT TWO BANDIT GUARDS FROM A HIDDEN POSITION.

ELDARONDO
Which one are you aiming at?

SINTAMO.
The one with the green hood

ELDARONDO
That's grey.

SINTAMO
Don't be stupid, its green.

ELDARONDO
Elf eyes. Grey

SINTAMO
Bloody green

SIR ROBIN CREEPS UP. ELDARONDO LOOKS AT HIM.

SIR ROBIN
Which one is he aiming at?

There is a twang, and Eldarondo glances back.

ELDARONDO
The one with an arrow through his throat.

ELDARONDO LETS FLY WITH HIS ARROW, KILLING THE FLEEING BANDIT.

[fsn]

I've been trying to cast these three.

I've got Jamie Dornan as Sir Robin.

It could have gone to Taron Egerton, but he ruined his chance with "Robin Hood", but he's cocky enough to be Eldarondo.

Sintamo - not got a feel for Sintamo - but either Bradley Cooper or Jenna Coleman.

Or, for a totally different feel how about Bill Bailey and Olivia Coleman?

Wait ... no ... I've got it ...

Perfect for Simon Pegg and Nick Frost! 

[sunjester]

Last Hussar and I have started a new campaign with these characters, so expect so more movie scenes in the near future.
http://www.pendrakenforum.co.uk/index.php/topic,18540.0.html