A mans randon Thoughts (Not PC)

[Orcs]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex